I'm Alvin - vaulter of rivers!
Don't look, it only encourages him.
I've never seen anybody with a firmer hold on stupidity.
Why do they settle here? Why don't they go and annoy Australia?
They'd never find Australia.
Aa-a-ah!
SPLASH!
Is romance dead?
I'd like to think not. I've bought all that perfume!
I'd like to think not too.
I spend a lot of time liking to think not.
It looks dead enough there.
Is he searching for something?
I know the feeling.
He needs the attentions of a good woman. A bad one might be quicker.
I turn me back and you've gone!
How do you do it? Have we got a secret passage?
So don't disturb him.
He's peculiar.
You think HE'S peculiar?
Oh, come away, peeping in people's houses.
Suppose he needs help?
Why should he need help?
If he did need help, do you think you'd be high on his wants list?
I always do what I can for other people.
I know. Why do you think I keep confiscating your bicycle?
Am I late? Has the show started?
"Do not disturb."
Sorry if I'm disturbing you from looking in Cleggy's window.
Not us, you muffin! We didn't hang it there!
Cleggy must have put it there.
I can't believe Cleggy's up to anything that requires a "Do not disturb" sign.
He's never been that athletic.
There is such a thing as second childhood.
Shouldn't he have waited till he finished with the first?
I don't know why you're both looking at me.
Don't lie. You do know why.
To be fair, you can't expect him to admit it.
That's one advantage of being a wife.
"Fair" has got nothing to do with it.
Years in the vice squad have taught me there are very few things worth peeping at.
And that's one of them.
Stop shaking your head.
I dread being around when it starts to rattle.
Your laundry's a depressing experience.
I've never been faulted on me washing.
It's not your technique, it's your taste.
Haven't you got anything brighter? Have you nothing for lifting the spirits?
I'm not here to lift your spirits!
This stuff's chosen for serviceability.
Not entertainment.
You're not kidding.
Talk about "bleak midwinter".
Have you anything more springtime?
Why don't you get off inside?
I'm not standing here discussing washing with an unmarried male!
You need to get a few pansies on that wall or something. Needs a bit of colour round here.
Do you think we ought to break in?
You're better breaking out.
He could be lying there.
You're the one who's usually lying.
But only badly.
If he's had time to hang up a "do not disturb" sign,
I'd regard that as evidence that he's not lying somewhere.
Maybe he's planning to do away with himself. Who said that?
Come on, who said that?
You can go home, starting rumours like that.
Let him stay.
Ay up, Cleggy. What's thee doing that mustn't be disturbed?
Well, whatever it was, it doesn't seem to be working.
I bet if we hadn't come, he'd have done away with himself.
You were right, Truly. Send him home.
Tha picks on me cos I'm French.
Tha's not French. Tha didn't know that, did tha?
I COULD be French.
There's too much prejudice round here. You never did like Napoleon.
Correct me if I'm wrong... Although do it carefully because nobody likes a clever dick.
Is he looking more miserable than usual?
Yes. "Yes"?
That's it, just "yes"?
Are you going to enlarge on that?
The chances are there'll be a simple explanation.
It would have to be. He's not ready for complicated.
Although who would believe Smiler would be more miserable than usual?
He must keep a bit in reserve.
HE MOANS
Correction, quite a lot in reserve.
He's had a Dear John letter.
His ladyfriend's packed him in. He has ladyfriend?
Not any more.
She found her glasses. You see, simple explanation.
How long had they been together? Since half-past six last night.
As long as that?
I could've said it wouldn't last.
They met by arrangement.
He was wearing his best suit, hair neatly combed and a red rose so she'd recognise him.
I'd leave man wearing a red rose in hair.
In his button hole.
You saw all this? You were there?
He needs a minder for his love life?
He won't go on a date unless I'm there.
I have to feed him his chatting-up lines.
Example. What's a gorgeous thing like you doing all alone?
Such stuff works?
It works, the only problem was she moved.
He said it to a chap with a ginger moustache.
Ah! Smiler now engaged to chap with ginger moustache.
He gets a Dear John letter from a chap with a ginger moustache?
No, we didn't meet her till we changed pubs.
Hermione...!
Hermione!
Hermione?
Just as well they finished.
He'd have had terrible trouble trying to spell her.
What's this? A confession?
You should have said. I used to help people write these.
If it's ours, we ought to be reading it.
I'm sure I've nothing to confess.
Aren't you afraid of being struck down by a bolt of lightning?
No.
All I'm doing is transferring my old diaries into readable copy.
It's fascinating really, remembering what you were doing.
What WERE you doing?
Very little really.
That's what makes this such a worthwhile record.
I must be one of the very few who went through the 20th century and found it boring.
You should have married the former Mrs Truelove.
Or the present Mrs You-Know-Who.
No, I've enjoyed being boring.
It's very close to that state of spiritual tranquillity that the wise men seek.
My granddad spent his life seeking a recipe for the perfect treacle tart.
He married my grandma on the strength of her pastry.
"Get the pastry right," he always said,
"then you can play about with the fillings."
Did he get the perfect treacle tart?
What he got was a good cook and a very ugly wife.
Which I always think shows a fine sense of priorities.
Do other people appear in these diaries? Of course.
A keen diarist is bound to notice his more scandalous neighbours.
Excuse me.
How much detail is going into this?
There are certain obligations to be as truthful as possible.
How much are you going to be mentioning about your neighbours?
He'll have to mention everything if he's going to be truthful.
How much everything? Everything, everything.
Especially the juicy bits.
Tha's going to be famous, Howard.
Why me?
What business has he got talking about me?
You're only in here and there, Howard.
I've never been here and there.
You've no business suggesting I've been here and there.
I hope Pearl never finds out about page 340.
He'll swear blind he was never near page 340.
Be careful, Barry.
I'm in an office, I'm at a desk.
If it gets rough, I promise I'll wear body armour.
Mr Hannibal was in an office, but he set off an ear infection by poking it with a paperclip.
We don't have to poke our ears with paper clips. It's optional.
Kiss me, Barry.
Don't panic, there's nobody watching.
You don't know that.
The street's full of windows.
If the milkman can kiss me, you're entitled to kiss me.
How long have you...? Only when it's double cream.
Good lad, Barry, show a bit of affection.
There's too little in this dodgy world.
Wow.
Mr Teasdale, where did you pop up from?
Could be from anywhere, lad, popping up is what I do for a living.
When you're a repo man, you learn popping up or you may as well retire.
I'm going into town, you can give me a lift, lad.
My car's in dock, not to worry, I'll soon repossess another one.
Good day to you, Glenda.
And to you, Mr Teasdale.
Don't worry, I'll keep him away from paper clips.
TARZAN CALL
THUD!
Alvin's in good voice.
I thought so.
Gone quiet now though.
Aye, probably dead.
Never has been before.
Yes, I noticed that.
Are you the bus for Huddersfield?
How many can you see?
Is this a trick question?
Why does tha keep doing this, Alvin?
Why? A bloke has to keep young, active, you have to stay... Barmy?
Close.
If you want a medical opinion, this man is recovering nicely and is now ready for a drink.
You should listen to Billy, he knows what he's talking about.
That's a first.
Have we time?
Wise man makes time.
Smiler needs cheering up.
It could take a while.
He's not easy.
Work is easy when done for friends.
Oh, I like that.
It's what friends are for.
Who's going to stay behind in the truck and look after the furniture?
Man already in truck, might as well stay.
Good thinking.
He might just as well be miserable out here.
There's more room for it. Exactly.
Hey, what about me?
We're doing this for you.
Cheering you up. You'll soon feel better.
Hermione!
Park here, Barry.
I think it's time I was at the office, Mr Teasdale.
I shall be late for poking my ear with paper clips.
This won't take long, lad. Teasdale is known throughout the profession for the speed of his repossessions.
Ah! Here she is waiting for us. A certain little silver VW.
I bet this job's really quite exciting.
Exciting?
We have to keep ourselves sharp.
We could train the SAS, Barry.
What are these for?
Opening car doors and starting certain little silver VWs.
I can see that but I can't see why you're passing them to me.
Because you just passed the test, lad.
Keen eye, alert, responsible. I'll be watching you.
I'll mess it up. I'm no good under tension.
Rubbish, you're steady as a rock.
Just have a stroll over there, quick look round, then in you go, foot down and away.
I'm no good in strange cars, I never get past wipers.
If he wants his windscreen cleaning, I'm your man.
Just put the key in the ignition.
There you go. Have you seen me with keys?
I could fumble for England.
But he knows me.
He'll be on his guard if he sees me.
Do you want to know the secret? Don't loiter.
Speed is of the essence.
Now we'll give you that drink.
What's tha doing sat out here, Smiler?
I'm being cheered up.
They've missed a bit.
Hermione.
He called you Hermione.
Never has before.
Maybe it's the light, maybe he's never seen you in this light before.
Give over.
I'm not that badly lit I look like an Hermione.
You see, you must never give up hope.
Even at Billy's age, you can suddenly start being called Hermione.
Ask him if he knows a Phyllis?
I feel comfier being a Phyllis.
I should think so. Look at the practice you've had.
He's nothing like Hermione.
Can I tell you how glad we are to hear that?
So who's Hermione?
She left me.
How did you manage that?
My missus never leaves ME.
He has advantages, if you're looking for somebody to leave.
Maybe I'm irresistible.
Let's have a drink first and then he can be irresistible.
You coming, Smiler?
I've got to stay here and watch the furniture.
Well, there must be something we can do about that.
Ah! A lampstand...
CAR ALARM SOUNDS
Now then, who does that remind you of?
Hermione. Don't start that again.
If she looks like that, tha's well rid.
It looks like your archetypal plain-clothes policeman.
With this figure on guard, your furniture is safe.
You can come and have a drink.
Who's paying?
No wonder she left him. Alvin's paying because he's slightly concussed.
Only slightly, so don't go mad.
I'm looking for Romance.
I know the feeling.
I was wondering where you kept it.
I've never been able to keep it.
I can tell you stories of the unreliability of men.
Don't, I've been there.
Did he offer you marriage?
Something quite close.
You do have a Romance section?
Oh yes, we do, on the shelves over here. With happy endings?
Yes. They make it look easy.
Have you ever been married?
Something quite close.
Are you still hopeful?
Not really, but the habit's hard to break.
Have you ever thought of giving them up completely?
I can do it with the ones I don't like.
It's with the others it gets tricky.
Are you strong-willed?
No, I'm afraid not.
Me too.
So you see, there's always a bright side.
I can see you've suffered too.
You've had your share of emergencies.
Yes. It wouldn't be worth all the trouble otherwise.
It's not as secure as marriage but...it does have its excitements.
Or it did once.
Once?
More than once if you count the firm's annual outing.
I just wish they'd be more expressive.
Now, your current significant other...
does he lack fire, poetry, passion?
He has a distinctive touch on the bicycle bell.
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Are they all inside?
All right, be like that.
Alcohol therapy not working.
It's a waste pouring any more down him. It's going straight to his unfunny bone.
Hermione!
What was she like, this Hermione?
She was horrible. She could frighten for England.
Made for each other.
She beat him at darts, dominoes and arm-wrestling.
Probably trained by Nora Batty.
Strong women round here.
Give big sense of security.
Oh, they're great with enemies.
It's when you're related by marriage it gets tricky.
Talking of marriage, did your granddad ever find the perfect treacle tart?
He was hot on the trail.
He was conducting a few experiments with a Mrs Lazenby.
But then my granny found out.
My ancestors invented treacle tart.
I thought it was explosives.
Exactly. Explosive treacle tart.
Changed the face of warfare.
That's a misery on your truck.
SMILER MOANS
There's another one.
What's up with him? An affair of the heart.
One minute they were arm wrestling, the next minute...gone.
I never even got a return match.
It can be very painful, affairs of the heart.
You should try swinging through trees.
Why would anyone want to swing through trees?
It didn't do Tarzan any harm.
Wasn't he taller and a bit broader in the chest?
I've only just started.
Who is that stranger on your truck?
I didn't ask.
Mother always said, "Never talk to strangers.
"Especially Hull Fair Week."
- We think he's watching. - Watching?
Somebody who's up to something.
We think he's a human bloodhound on the trail of some shifty character.
You can always tell a good private investigator.
Hat pulled well down, scarf hiding his face.
They can watch for hours without moving a muscle.
Who would he be watching?
That's just what we've been asking ourselves.
Who do we know of suspicious nature?
Who is there round here who's up to something he shouldn't be?
Like being with somebody he shouldn't be.
Who do we know that keeps sneaking off?
Who goes about with his cap pulled down for unlawful purposes?
Mother always said, "Never talk to people with cap pulled down for unlawful purposes."
Especially during Hull Fair Week.
Who do we know, we ask, whose loving wife, whose loving neglected wife, may finally have been forced
to employ someone to investigate the activities of a husband who keeps disappearing?
I'm sure I don't know why everybody's looking at me.
Not to worry, Howard, we'll take your bike round the back and you can sneak out that way.
I wouldn't say sneak.
It's just that I've got this appointment to get to with my financial adviser.
Leave it to Truly.
How long has Norman Clegg been keeping a diary?
Forever. He likes remembering.
Whereas mine, for instance, wishes everybody would forget.
There'd be a few having to pack in a hurry if I started writing mine.
How far back do his diaries go?
Why? What have you got to hide?
I've got nothing to hide.
Not lately, but some people had a very interesting Second World War.
That sounds interesting.
I wonder if Mr Clegg wants somebody to do his typing.
I was too busy in the war.
I was making ammunition.
And you've been firing it ever since.
You weren't too busy for that American airman.
Ooh! What's this then?
He used to come to my mother's for Sunday dinner.
He'd become addicted to Yorkshire gravy.
That's one I never thought of. Gravy.
You went to that dance with him.
We were all at that dance.
How come I was with him any more than you were?
Mrs Batty, you were nearly a GI bride.
I wasn't nearly anything.
I never even came close to nearly.
I came close.
More than once.
They were dangerous times.
Have a cake.
Nora, you first.
Who do you think it was that was watching you?
Truly thought he looked like some private investigator.
Howard, we're going to be on the front page of all the newspapers.
Do you know what'll happen if we're on the front page?
I shall need a new outfit.
I can't be on the front page in any old thing.
Mr Teasdale, the window's open and the keys are in the ignition.
You see how easy it is?
Now, a repo man has to relax, Barry. He can't afford to look suspicious.
When we meet, we shake hands, perfectly naturally and I'll get into the car and drive away.
Oi!
Whoops.
Right lads, come on, down there.
Off you go.
We won't be long.
Be in a better mood when we get back.
Hermione!
THEY MOAN
Oh-h-h!
What were he like? Your mate who was transferred to Huddersfield?
Friendly. I just wish the public were more friendly.
People these days are less friendly towards the police.
Maybe arresting them kind of puts a chill on the relationship.
Arresting them's not personal.
There's no need for people to sulk.
He knows how to sulk.
He looked suicidal to me.
Do you think we ought to interfere?
You'd rather wait till he's dead? No.
I hate it when they're dead.
Hermione!
You wanted friendly.
I'm Alvin, vaulter of rivers!
SNAP! Aa-ah!
SPLASH!
Who married Whitehorn's lass?
Joyntly from Denby Street.
Venables.
Took to drink. I thought that was YOU.
Didn't we go to his funeral?
He's still alive.
Ah, well, we probably didn't then.
That was another Venables.
A dead one.
You'd think some people would know the difference.
SQUELCHING
I'm Alvin, swimmer of rivers!
Subtitles by Chris Boyd BBC Broadcast 2005